You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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