do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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