my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
