I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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