I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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