my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
