im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
