ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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