everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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