apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
