How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i now understand why vodka
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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