the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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