There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
