You're completely useless in the revolution.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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