remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
