Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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