Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
