Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
