So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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