That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
