Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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