He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
