I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
