and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
