my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
