Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
