This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
