Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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