So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
