I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
