cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
