She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Are my feet made of real feet?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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