I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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