Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
