I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
