Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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