she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
50% drunk capacity currently
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
