You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
