my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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