I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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