I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
