So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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