I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
