Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
