chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
