I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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