So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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