I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
