I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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