i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
