So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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