One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
