The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
