It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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