In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
